Back Home by Chris Hardie
Let’s just get this right out there – whatever I did to whomever years ago that made you angry enough to place a curse on my power equipment – I am sorry.
I’ll repeat. I am sorry for whatever I did that caused you to create a voodoo doll of me crouched over an inoperative mower, tiller or weed trimmer with a perpetual swear word on my lips. Please take out your pins, say a blessing over the doll and grant me mercy.
I knew a few weeks ago that I was pushing it when I wrote about the curse I have with power equipment. Even though all repairs were complete, it seemed like there was a shadow of doom hanging over the valley waiting to strike. It also could have been wildfire smoke, but I knew operating a month or so without a breakdown was ominous.
Then it struck. I had just gassed up the weed trimmer and was tidying up around the hedge when I felt a couple of surges and slowdowns in the motor. The trimmer didn’t blow up, catch fire or even send a plume of smoke into the air. It just breathed its last and stopped running.
Even though I feared the worst, I tugged on the starter cord for several minutes before I administered the last rites, muttering in my own form of special Latin.
Did you know that a well-maintained, high-quality gas trimmer can last between 5 and 10 years – sometimes even longer? So say the folks at Lawnlove.com, though the website does admit that individual experiences may vary.
“While providing an exact lifespan is challenging, factors such as usage frequency, correct maintenance, operating conditions, brand and quality, storage and care, and the tool’s technology all contribute to a shorter or longer lifespan,” the website says.
Well, I did the math and counted the dead gas trimmers I have in my possession. In the past 20 years I have purchased seven weed trimmers. No, actually it’s eight, because last year I threw away the remnants of another one that I tried to fix but was never able to successfully put back together.
So that’s an average of 2.5 years per trimmer. Clearly the average life expectancy does not take into consideration the Hardie equipment curse.
I know many of you are thinking: “Did you simply buy cheap pieces of junk?”
Oh, how well you know me. The answer to that is, despite my profound preference for pinching pennies, is “not really.” The cheapest one I bought is a small battery-powered trimmer that was the only one that still runs (which is No. 9, come to think of it) but is really only useful for trimming vegetation with the thickness of my nose hairs.
I have tried five different brands over the years. Inevitably they stop running or end up with warped bump heads that can’t handle the nettles, burdock, thistles, quack grass or brush that comprise the surroundings on the farm.
I tried to order a new bump head for my recently deceased trimmer, but even the manufacturer didn’t have the correct parts and the universal parts were also junk. So I had to stop the trimmer every few minutes, take off the bump head and re-thread the line by hand.
I also discovered a side effect of that trimmer. Last month a medical technician called to ask if I was operating a piece of power equipment early one morning because the heart loop monitor implanted in my chest this winter was showing a strange pattern of tachycardia or rapid heart beat that she believed was caused by electrical field interference.
I told her that I was not aware of any strange symptoms at that time, but found it quite bizzare. I mean, I knew that trimmer was a pain in the posterior, but not a cardiac killer.
Perhaps the conclusion that I am cursed can be explained by being a victim of planned obscolescence, the purposeful strategy to ensure a product will become out-of-date or useless within a known time period. That guarantees that customers will have to purchase a new product.
Since I couldn’t even order parts for a two-year-old trimmer, it sure does make me wonder if there isn’t a deep weed trimmer planned obsolescence conspiracy. If so, they have borrowed from the blueprint created by tire manufacturers for appliance dollies which go flat within a few months and cost more to replace than purchasing a new cart.
I had plenty of time to ponder this mystery after a trip to the store to purchase trimmer No. 10, with an extended warranty. The first time use was smooth – and it’s nice being able to advance the line without having to stop every few minutes.
Perhaps this will be my last trimmer, as it may outlive me – especially if it also creates heart-stopping magnetic fields.
Or perhaps it will soon join its descendants in the graveyard of power equipment – if there is indeed a curse.
Tutankhamun’s got nothing on me.
Chris Hardie spent more than 30 years as a reporter, editor
